How to Communicate With My Partner: Talk

– Excerpt from Sexual Secrets for Men: What every woman will want her man to know by Kerry Riley

To encourage more intimacy you need to talk more during lovemaking. In our survey about what women would like more of in lovemaking many said they would like their men to whisper things to them. But for men it is often difficult to think of what to say. You cannot repeat ‘I love you’ too much, but you can learn different ways of saying it. A lot of men shut their eyes and get lost in their own space while making love. Women too get lost in their own space and when this happens it can be more like mutual masturbation than making love. For more intimacy to occur you have to learn to express any sexy or loving thoughts that come into your
mind, instead of just thinking them. However it is important to realise that sometimes things you say might be misinterpreted. Men and women are different and they hear things differently.

For example, in one of our seminars I mentioned to Alex about talking more during lovemaking and he tried it the next time he was making love. When he saw his lover Sarah’s nipples protruding he said ‘You are responding really well.’ But she didn’t seem to like that. Later on when they had finished making love, he thought to himself: ‘She’s really good.’ So he said: ‘Sarah, you are really good.’ He thought he had done well saying that, because he normally did not say anything
lots of ‘oohs!’ and ‘aahs!’but no speaking. The next day at the seminar, Sarah expressed her appreciation of his efforts to talk to her, but she hated what he’d said. The other women in the group agreed. The men looked dumbfounded!

Why were the women turned-off by what Alex had said? Because women need their attractiveness, not their functionalism, recognised and praised. Alex’s comments were about getting it right. It may appeal to a man to hear ‘You are good.’ To him it means that he is good in bed and that is great, but generally such comments are a turn-off for a woman. What she hears is ‘good.’ ‘Good compared to whom? Responding well? I’m not an object!’ is her response.

The men then asked: ‘Well what do you want to hear?’ So we invited the women to write down what they would like men to say to them during lovemaking. They agreed to do it on the condition that the men wrote down what they would like women to say to them. We collated the responses and the results were amazingly different. Here are some of the things women said:

‘Your fragrance is like jasmine.’

‘I’m your lover forever.’

‘I love the feel of your skin; it’s so soft, like satin.’

‘You have the most beautiful ….’

‘It’s wonderful to be inside you.’

‘You’re sending shivers up and down my spine.’

‘I love the shape of your breasts; they feel like heaven in my hands.’

‘You’re a very sensuous woman.’

‘I enjoy the pleasure of your passion.’

‘I love your yoni’s perfume.’

What the men wanted to be said were things such as:

‘More more, I want you to come deeper inside me.’

‘You feel so big inside me.’

‘Yes, yes, yes, you’re the best.’

‘Your lingam is so hot.’

The women laughed at what the men wanted them to say. They could not believe it. Meanwhile, the men looked a bit confused about what the women wanted them to say. So for an interesting exercise you could ask your beloved to write down what she would like to hear and you write down what you would like to hear and give it to each other to read.

Even if these comments do not sound important to you, learn to say them anyway during lovemaking. Don’t be mute, be a great romantic lover. You might think this is a little calculated because romance should be spontaneous. Well yes, spontaneity is a wonderful ingredient, but if your conversation in bed is simply ‘I love you. Ooh! Ooh! Aah! That’s good!’ that is not the vocabulary of a great lover. Learn to be a great talker in bed. Practise saying wonderful things in your beloved’s ear, things she wants to hear and not things you want to tell her.

I would like to offer some inspiration from ancient Hindu mythology which contains many conversations between gods and goddesses, interpreted in classic texts on Tantra: between, Shiva and Shakti or Brahma and Saraswati or Vishnu and Laxshmi. (Each god or goddess may have many variations of their name). Here are some interpretations from The Tree of Ecstasy by Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki;s1:

VISHNU: ‘How beautiful thou art, fair as a garden of fragrant flowers. Thou art an instrument of exquisite pleasure whose harmonies fill the universe with beauty. Nothing can surpass thee, thou art perfection.’

LAXSHMI: ‘Thou art the preserver of life. If I am the instrument of pleasure, then thine is the hand that plays the melody. No music is heard that comes not from our joining; without Vishnu and Laxshmi nothing will grow or prosper, and there will be no love and no fertility.’

Here is a line from Brahma to Saraswati that I like:

‘Saraswati, radiant being of my soul. Thou art together with me and we are one being.’

How to Communcation With My Partner

So next time you are making love with your beloved, hold her in your arms as if you are one being, one person, one radiant light and say something wonderful to her.

Before you touch her sacred parts, her yoni or her breasts say something romantic, honouring and respectful. Here is what Brahma would say to Saraswati as he was about to kiss the yoni of his goddess in adoration:

‘Thou art the seven ecstasies of union, thou art the holder of life. The singer of sweet songs. In union with thee my body becomes a temple of joy. Wrapped in the arms of Saraswati Brahma knows only the infinite ecstasy of creation.’

I assure you it sounds better to her than ‘Ooh! Aah!, I love you!’ or just ‘Ooh! Aah!’ You might feel uncomfortable with it at first, but persist because women love romance. Allow the romantic in you to come out and create your own tender words.

This is what Vishnu said to Laxshmi as he entered her.

‘Lady of beauty let me know thy sweetness. Let me touch the inner petals of thy sacred chakra with the lingam and fill the vase of life to overflowing. Thy hands are cool with scented oil and thy lips are warm with wine.’

This is assuming that you have offered wine to your beloved and that you have massaged each other with scented oils as part of loveplay!

I like to use an adaptation from the following conversation between Shiva and Shakti.

‘ you are my precious one, my jewel. My incomparable lady of joy. Without you I would have no power in the world of men. Into your arms I place my body. Let me be your toy, my lady of perfume, my lady of sweet perfume.’

You might take just one sentence from this if you like it and use it regularly. After a while it becomes a natural part of lovemaking and women love it because it is romantic.

By Kerry Riley, Tantra Master,